Pop. Six. Swish. Uh-uh. Cicero. Lipschitz.

Friday 31th August 2012 - 3.15am

So my ghastly sleeping habits have returned to normal and I am my obnoxiously nocturnal self again. This inevitably means its an apt time to devise another galvanising blog post, right?

Whilst it has been a productive week and I am gradually becoming more settled into a habitual routine, the first time adventures are still incoming in great numbers. Monday bore witness to my first solitary laundry experience. I am contrite to concede the fact I have managed 19 years on earth without washing my own clothes. Nevertheless, I grabbed the odorous bull by the horns and defeated it almost single-handedly with detergent.

Tuesday evening saw the swimming facilities being raped of all resource by Ashleigh, Meredith, Kate and I. After a casual swim and submerging ourselves hazardously into the water via the diving boards, we elected to vegetate in the hot tub until two members of our party were on the brink of collapse, followed by some quality time perspiring in the sauna. I can conclude that I slept well that night. With any luck, this will become a weekly tradition.

Wednesday began terribly with an unsuspected late start, consequently rushed assignments and above all, a menacing technical malfunction. As my inner defeatist began bubbling up inside me and spreading molten hatred to each capillary: a miracle occurred. Mitch and I devised an impromptu weekend get-away! As we have been blessed with 'Labour Day' (standard Bank Holiday to you or I) we have cogitated a trifling 4 day itinerary of amusement. First on our agenda, hiring a car and transporting ourselves to Chicago in time for dinner in Chicago centre on Friday evening. Hopefully our destination reveals a bit more about the anomalous title of this post. Saturday's plans are yet to be confirmed but I do not doubt they will be riveting at any rate, especially when consummated by Kelly Clarkson and the Fray performing at First Midwest Bank Amphitheatre. Sunday takes us away from Chicago, IL to Indiana where we resided for a week's criminology exchange programme in Easter. However, this expedition to Nappanee, IN concerns itself not with the study of criminal justice in America but with the Amish communities that inhabit the island. We will be spending a night in an Amish hotel (interestingly equipped with WiFi), experiencing domesticated household rituals like candle-making, Amish meals, wagon rides and much more all for the low price of $99. Wow, I sound like an advertisement.



Once our much-needed idyllic retreat had been planned, Mitch introduced me to the spray painted rock outside his halls. He assured me the SSB represented his floor's love for Super Smash Bro's as oppose to something potentionally more criminal. Mitch's handywork lies just behind the rock on the pretruding pavement/sidewalk where his inner Picaso, inspired by patriotism, scrawled 'BRITISH'. Personally, I cannot wait to exercise my poor art skill across this badboy someday.

As if my levels of excitement were not comparable to that of the cholesterol levels of an obese American having a heart attack already, Thursday gave privy to CampusFest. CampusFest was virtually a market place full of clubs, frat/sororities and activity stalls publicising all of the societies and local services we could get involved in. To your left is a feature of my first snow cone - yes, it is a glorified slush puppy. Yes, it was delicious. Amongst free pizza, condoms, photographs on big red inflatable chairs and pen holders, a few friends and I signed our souls away to the Marine Biology Association and Extreme Sports. Retrospectively, choosing MBA as our extra-curricular past-time of choice is bitingly ironic as Kate won a fish at the Fest. As a result, we subsequently spent our evening purchasing resources and mates for it (later known as Alfred) at Wal-Mart. It definitely had absolutely no bearing that they let us hold live sea-erchins and star fish at all. No way.

MBA held a meeting that night to explain some basic perks of joining the society. Aside from the obvious trips to aquariums and mind-boggling aquatic knowledge, the society offer voluntary work at the local theme park Cedar Point. Halloween is fast approaching meaning HalloWeekend at Cedar Point is hot on its tail. This is a weekend concurrent to All Hallow's Eve at Alton Towers. We hope to volunteer enough hours at Cedar Point to attend HalloWeekend for free - thank you, MBA. Scuba-diving, snorkelling classes and trips to Florida over spring break are also endorsed by MBA. Unfortunately, I am not present for Spring Break but I'm not one to say never. I digress, as many of you close to me may know my parents don't have average hobbies such as golf and sewing (thouhe both are capable of the aforementioned, gender-stereotyped whimsies). Instead, they do like to jet off to Orkney and Egypt to scuba-dive. Unluckily, due to a misfortune in my anatomy, my ears cannot accept the intense pressure underwater and thus I am prevented from part-taking. Although, every cloud has a silver lining: I can still snorkel.

Once again, I have drivelled on far longer than I could ever have anticipated. Hopefully, this vast bombardment of information has sated all of your longings to know how I am getting on. In true Lizzie Wallace style, it is time for me to pack my suitcase for tomorrows journey's, I am sure I will have a lot to report on Tuesday but until then, ciao! 

1 Week Down, 18 to Go

Sunday 26th August 2012 - 3.55pm

So Sunday evening fast approaches and so draws a close on my first week at an American college. My first week of classes is complete and I am pretty animated about the courses I selected. One module requires me to produce a 15 page letter to someone I hold dear to my heart about an emotionally evocative issue. I am really looking forward to working on that project.

In the meantime, I still have not identified the whereabouts of my phone. This is infuriating but not as infuriating as the 3.30 fire alarm we were subject to in the early hours of Friday morning. Rudely awoken by a monotone American recording over a tannoy muttering "Attention Attention, all Harshman residents must evacuate the building. There has been an emergency. Do NOT use the elevator." Once we had all safely exited the building and waited a sufficiently long time, the sprinklers were set off. A collection of scantily clat teenage girls being unsuspectingly sprayed at 3.40am is a sight to behold, I'll tell you that for free. Full bladders also made matters worse, resulting in three of us jay-sprinting across the road to the local late night eatery to utilise the restroom. Once the 'danger' had been cleared we returned to bed - significantly less happy.

However our RA is the most precious sweetheart in the world an made this sign for our bathrooms, so waking up the following morning having had our precious beauty sleep interrupted wasn't so emotionally scarring. 

My first drink from a drinking fountain also took place this week. It was a challenging experience, honestly guys, it is a skill that requires much practise.

Last night's adventure entailed my first excursion to an American nightclub. Despite my British heritage, I did not enjoy the arduous queuing especially as we were unsure whether my British ID would be accepted. Nevertheless, we all invaded the club and sought out the dance floor. On entry to said dance floor, I gained a dance partner who got a little too close for comfort leaving me relieved when he left for the restroom while we left for another club. It's safe to say, Claz-el and the Attic have nothing on Planet.

As American's pay a teeming amount of fees they receive a lot of free perks in return for example the use of a gym without having to pay extortionate amounts for a membership or free bus shuttle service on the bus featured below when they present their ID cards. Falcon Frenzy, woo.

Title: Yet to be confirmed...

Thursday 23rd August 2012 - 01.01am

You may be relieved to know this might be a much less pretentious post than usual. My life is legitimately incredible at the moment. I am currently eating salty ass popcorn off my unopened books after yet another exhilarating trip to Wal-Mart with the best bitches. I never want to come home.

Only downfall, my bed has devoured my phone. I'm not gonna lie - I'm pretty pissed about that. The culprit: pictured on the right.

Filth and Effluvium

Wednesday 22nd August 2012 - 4.55pm
In spite of the fact I update this blog more frequently than I change my under garments, so many new and exciting things occur I feel the need to labouriously force you to tolerate my escapades.

Sunday afternoon's delight consisted of a Falcon Freshman picnic with more cheers and chants, I attended and inherited the free lunch in spite of my Sophomore/Junior status. Below depicts the scene but does not do justice to the excessive 'cheese factor' that appears to plague me.

But most importantly, I have made friends. Opposing the malevolent witticisms that I am pressingly peculiar to make friends, I have formed some pretty stable bonds with the girls in my hallway. So much so we have compared tits and shaved or not so bald nether regions already. However, I was politely reminded by one of my first foreign acquaintances that in summary, 'No-one actually likes you for your shitty personality, they are just prostituting you for your accent.' Even so, I will exploit this to my full advantage. Speaking of perks, Nessa introduced me to a delectable delicacy (that is most unfortunately not stocked in on the selves of Wal-Mart): acai berries coated in dark chocolate. These perfectly formed little buds are supposedly rich in antioxidants too, so I feel less guilty about demolishing half a commodious packet.

It may not come as a shock to you when I say my initial week of classes has proposed numerous firsts  and distressing revelations for me. Foremost being lesson number one - American's flush the toilet with their feet!!!!!!!!!

I have taken it upon myself to grace you with an in depth explanation. To your left is a photographic diagram of an American toilet, you see the green line protruding from the faucet - that would be the equivalent to a handle. Instead of pressing it down with their hands, the Yank's exploit their feet to press it. This, to me, was so alien however the method in the madness was revealed - it is a germ prevention scheme. My adumbration was closely followed by a ritualistic and slightly manic session of anti-bacterial scrubbing.


Auspiciously, my next first was less unsanitary or was it. On Sunday evening, I graced my first college party with my presence. This was a series of excitement for me as during the commute from Harshman Anderson to the shady garage that the party took place in, I witnessed my first skunk. It was so cute but also nimbly surreal. I could not get close enough to record it for fear of being viciously sprayed with odorous miasma.

On arrival, I was delighted to spy beer pong! My audacious inner Braveheart took to the table with sheer trepidation only to have my ass handed to me. With hand-eye co-ordination like mine there is no surprise. I ensepulchred my mortification by speaking to any American's I caught off guard in my best British accent thus my speech was the most prattled about attraction as oppose to my poor attempt at beer pong.


Monday morning rolled round and classes followed in its foreboding footsteps. I am enrolled in 4 classes entitled: Creative Writing Workshop, Modern Poetry, Criminal Law: Current Topics and Victimology. Some of my classes start at 8am which, truth be told, is crippling. Furthermore, some of you are mocking the fact that my semester has already started however jokes on you kids cause as if studying abroad and being in receipt of Thanksgiving turkey wasn't enough compensation, my term ends on 14th December and I sharn't begin my Spring semester in England under the start of February. Who's laughing now? All of my professors give off an amicable impression, yet to find detrimental fault in any of them and the course, though intense, seem manageable and intriguing. The classrooms are a little more undeveloped than ours as they still use OHP's rather than computers and frequently use chalkboards. Nevertheless, all is well.

Time to do some reading for said classes.

Deceptively Underdue

Saturday 19th August 2012 - 8.37pm.
Before I begin unveiling more tedious insights of my life in Ohio I would like to take the time to expose you all to this big ass motherfucker.

Do not even try and deny the fact you are quacking in your seat. It was at very least 5 inches long, I have bore witness to smaller penis'.

Moving swiftly onwards, I feel like this blog post is long overdue as so much has happened in the last 48 hours. Hereafter all of the irksome administrative tackle has been executed, touch wood, it is finally time to exercise my social skill and make some friends. My room-mate joined me in room 346 this week, she is a very nice, genuine girl so in that respect I have been blessed. The remaining girls on my corridor are also benevolent and receptive, though I do think my foreign accent is working in my favour.

Above is a picture of marching band practising on Friday afternoon before the ceremony. All the freshman of Bowling Green attended a Pep Rally last night, in order to welcome us to the community. Words will never do this experience justice. There were cheerleaders to your left, mascots to your right and marching band where ever you glanced. We were encouraged to stand and chant the universities anthem. I am proud to report I did not let the side down, acting as a typically conservative Brit with her arms crossed unable to participate as my cheeks were flushed bright red and a look on my face that could only be depicted as mortifying.

On completion of the erratic culture-shock that was my first pep rally, I took the shuttle bus to Meijer (this is another American department store akin to Wal-Mart) where freshmen were given freebies in the form of make-up bags, sanitary items and food. Once my innate need for complimentary hot dogs had been quenched I returned to my boudoirs for some much needed shut eye.  

Today's excursion through campus proved that similarly to Wolverhampton/Keele, I am not going to be able to venture outside without being warmly greeted by at least one individual. Consequently my already overpowering arrogance has taken a turn for the worst leaving me more conceited than before. I'm dubious as to whether this is a positive out come: even so I shall try not to deviate, even for self-reflection. Our corridor was set the chagrin task of cultivating a chant to present to the rest of Harshman Quadrangle at the Hall meeting. Please feel free to sing along to the ostentatious tune of 50 Cent's P.I.M.P, clapping and clicking to the beat are also acceptable:

Dunno what you heard about us,

But there ain't no other hall like us,
I know you wish you could be me,
Cause we're Harshman Anderson 3.

At this point I am ashamed to say I got very involved.

As a side note - I am going to create a photo sharing site for all the excess photos I don't upload to my blog for anyone that is THAT interested, I'll add the link to my next post.

Once again over and out as I am off to the 'Playfair'. Apparently this consists of a 4000+ person icebreaker at the Stroh Center - home to many of BGSU's sporting events.

European friends and the white van man

Thursday 16th August 2012 - 12.32pm

So I've been concious for approximately an hour, as you may be able to decipher my sleeping pattern is  reverting back to itself dysfunctional ways. I will be a decimated shell of a being when my 8.00am classes actualise. To my knowledge I have little calculated for today so will be sating myself with some administrative concerns. My preliminary burden being my blog.

Yesterday avro, post relocation execution, we became acquainted with some pleasant European boys on a sports scholarship over our first hot meal since the poorly-received chicken and rice amidst the plane journey. Once the mundane exchange of majors and home countries was complete, the repartee soon plummeted to the gutter with discussing off pot-smoking habits and 'flying deer' (that's a jaegerbomb to you or I). The inconsequential, casual racism that followed sustained itself long enough for better cockney accents than I could ever wish to project, to appear playing up to the British convention of a 'cappa tea mayte'.

As it is our education we are meant to be furthering, not our social skills, we adjudicated we should rent and/or purchase the books required for our courses in spite of the fact we are dubious as to whether or not we have been registered for them even at this late stage. The store apparently revelled in pillaging my purse as $211 swiftly exited my clutching hands leaving me vanquished and in need of a pick up me. TO WENDY'S. 

On ordering a Baconator (Farlow, if you are reading this I hope you just ejaculated rainbows of jealousy) the blotchy young man behind the until queried my whereabouts asking 'Are you from Birmingham?' to which I retorted 'Yes!', elated to hear the precision. Albeit, my excitement dispelled itself when he simply said 'I can tell'. Even on the alternate side of the Atlantic, my thick accent is a painful give-away causing me to forever be identified as a Brummie. :(

Ensuing our banquet the adventures did not cease as we discovered a local taxi company run by a man and his wife charging only $4 fare to any destination in Bowling Green. Abusing this advantageous deal, we escaped to Wal-mart for bedding and a telecommunication device. Selecting the right bedding proved more laborious than hypothesised, as did purchasing a phone. Ultimately everything resolved itself well and we returned home with linens in Dave's cab. Our latest comrade Dave offered to cruise me around in his pallid automobile if ever I found myself without constructive activity, as corrupt as it may sound I'm likely to take him up on his amicable offer. However, if I am not online for several days and I am lacking a blog post, please inform the police it was Dave from Supercab as I am still sceptical of his white van man status.

My room mate Liz will be arriving tomorrow, I pre-empt that will get real old real fast. She does seem really considerate and caring though. We've briefly conferred over social networking and she will bring a fridge and a mircowave for us to prepare tasty treats in. I await her accession but until then over and out.

Domestic Changes

Wednesday 14th August 2012 - 12.15pm

Attempting to resolve not to update this blog every time a mundane affair takes place, evidently failing but that's a tribulation for another day, I guess. Today we transferred our belongings from our temporary accommodation at Offenhaur Tower to our permanent halls of residence. Attempting to move from one side of campus to another proved difficult and will be recalled as a painful experience at best. Second class citizen shit is fast growing tiresome and my patience is wearing thin. I eagerly await the commencing of class when the dust should have comfortably settled.
I now inhabit Harshman Anderson. A few of you have been asking how I like my room. It is relatively spacious in format, 10 x 15 feet to be specific. And looks a little something like this.

The halls are co-ed by floor, meaning there are some men kicking about but none have taken my fancy just yet. As you can see there is a sufficient amount of storage space. As a self-confessed hoarder, I took kindly to this.

Featured above is a visual encapsulation of the distinct lack of items I brought with me, here's home for the next 5 months. Some of my adoring fans may be interested to know, I am sharing my room with an American girl by the name of Alexis. In September last year, as I transitioned into university living I attempted to share my personal living space with a girl who I hold very dear to my heart now, but initially it did not prove successful as we had clashing sleep patterns, drinking habits and various other unironed issues. However, I hope not to come into such obstacles this time round, as previous to assignment, we both completed a room-mate compatibly quiz to ensure we shared similar retiring habits.

Harshman Anderson is adjacent to the 'rec center' meaning hopefully I'll be indulging in a bit of ice-skating, swimming and spin class from time to time. This, however, does not mean I will return a stick thin model, as my kryptonite is just around the corner. That's right, I'm in exceedingly close proximity to a McDonald's.

The weather here has depleted considerably over the passing days. On Sunday I casually acquired strap marks. Monday averaged around 76 degrees Fahrenheit or around 25 degrees C to you metric Brits out there. The last few days have been over-cast and prone to slight showers.

In reference to my avaricious request for payment, I have settled the reckoning of my Meal Plan and my accommodation but we are still waiting to hear back from the health insurance office concerning the outcome of our appeal to waive then insurance for the comprehensive accord Keele provide abreast the 'general fee' to the tune of $700. If all concludes itself ideally, we will only be paying a further $200 give or take.  

Slight Fortune

Monday 13th August 2012 - 12.42pm

In spite of all the hardship I am currently facing, every cloud has a silver lining. In this case, thank you to my British nationality I do not have to complete a TB test, an English speaking test nor a Maths test. Oora!

More Misfortune in the USA

Monday 13th August 2012 - 11.45am

Still pretty new to the pursuit of blogging so my formatting is not impeccable but I feel a rant coming on.
After close review of my previous entry, alongside enthusiastic feedback requesting more tales of the severe misfortune I have been subject to, I have decided to recap a few novel events that occured in the duration of my first day.
Though I have attained a key to my room, in my jet-lagged stupor I did not enquire how to access the toilets, as it is not habitually a tremendous feat, nor did I request bedding. This absent mindedness lead to my uncomfortable downfall as I found myself resting under a questionable sheet and a bare pillow. Furthermore, on meeting the women's restrooms I found a coded lock for which I did not know the password. Nearly, 15 hours later, I was still using all the strenght I could muster to retain the full bladder I possessed and prevent myself from become the Brit that pissed herself.
Now for some more misfortune, the aforementioned rant has be instigated as BGSU have taken it open themselves to charge me $11,000 for various 'privileges' I have most certainly not requested. The grand total comes to over $6,000 excess what I should be paid, including 3 separate housing bills.
On that note, I'm signing off to devour my free lunch cause by the sounds of it I'm going to need everything I can get.
For any fellow Study Abroad Keelites reading this, I believe this is was Paul and Miriam were referring to when they mentioned the 'W' curve.

Strip searches, suspected drug mules and a whole lot of jetlag.

Sunday 12th August 2012 - 9.55pm

I arrived at Bowling Green State University, Ohio, little under a day ago but have been away from the comfort of my own bed for approximately 45 hours. Looking back on the last 2 days alone, it is cumbersome to think I have just elected to make such a colossal change.
First things first, departure. As many of you know penultimately to my exodus was my 19th birthday, meaning at 10.15pm I was still sat a Hogs' Head with a Jaegerbomb in hand having put little thought into packing, let alone effort. Consequently, I did not sleep until the plane journey and had to face a multitude of hurdles before I was presented the privilege of slumber. Hurdle number one - hysterical mother at the gates. This woman is made of stone, she holds a certain animosity to public displays of emotion so her lamenting at my egress was not only alien but slightly emotional. Head held high and upper lip stiffened, I majestically strode on jerking back the odd tear. Hurdle one - overcome.
Hurdle number two - security. Having successfully navigated customs and fooled them into thinking I'm here to further my education rather than frivolously waste my money of Walmart trivia, I thought I was doing pretty well. I thought too soon. Walking through the domineering white arches with armed policemen present and a series of gossiping Brits is daunting at the best of times, but when your common sense absconds you and you find yourself in a studded bra being led by a security guard into a small room labelled 'Private' and suddenly the gossiping Brits are concerned with you. It is an awful lot more daunting. Turns out a studded undergarment is the work of Satan and I required a strip search to identify that the brassier in question was the offending instrument on my person and not a machete. Once thoroughly violated in places only child rape victims should point out on dolls, I was allowed to pass through the security of Terminal 3 into Departures. Hurdle two - overcome.
They say bad things come in threes and this is no exception, third and final hurdle presents itself once again in the form of a studded bra - a drug search. Similarly to Mancunian custom, security found fault with my underwear. I took solace in the fact I was only frisk searched as oppose to visually violated however became alarmed and slightly offended when the woman who had just conducted the search wiped her hands with a swab like instrument and entered it into a machine that retorted 'No Substances Detected'. These three words confirmed for me that hurdle three had been overcome.
Aside from these minor blips travel was pretty smooth sailing between Perton and down-town Bowling Green. Once in possession of a room key, I was keen to get connected to the internet and check my Facebook, like any self-respecting 21st century teenager, and follow my notifications up with some much needed sleep. No such luck. On entry, I find a sleeping Asian girl curled up in one of the two beds in room 924. Nervous, I flee upstairs to a friends dorm to check if she, too, has a room-mate. With my suspicions confirmed, I return to my room and placed myself quietly on the floor - seated on my bags - as the other bed was occupied with all of her things. Being the meek soul that I am, I didn't want to disturb her but alas, she eventually woke up - shat herself at the realisation there was another being in the room - and moved her belongings so I could sleep.

New dawn, new day. Very little of interest happened today, it would seem. A fellow exchange and I ventured into the town and around campus to occupy ourselves. As ashamed of myself as I am to admit it, I did once indulge in a few episodes of 'Sorority Row' (for those who have a life/taste in television, this is a reality TV show about Sororities coming to Britian to select only the most athletic, charitable, classy individuals - no luck for me there then) which triggered my ashamed excitement when we discovered this.

Yes, I took a photograph with a sign for Sorority Row and yes, I would do it again. Judge me all you please. Our travels also brought us to Vagina Rock. For any of you that are wondering why it has been so elegantly christened Vagina Rock, I'll put your mind at rest. The beautifully sculpted masterpiece to your left is indeed, Vagina Rock. I digress, so once we had explored our new surroundings and formulated prevening plans to visit Walmart for supplies, we returned to our rooms. 6 hours later, that is again where I find myself but this time with a laundry basket, some stationary and some fruit.
Now the internet is fully informed in regards to every move I have made in the last 2 days I think it is time to sign off and get started on my first paper.